What have I done?

Vaughn Cities, London 19 Comments

What have I done? I agreed to a monogamous relationship with the  24 year old German girl. I was fully expecting to eventually date her, but not so soon. I was aiming for some point next year when she moves to London. I’ve been to Germany to see her again, this is the third time I’ve been over there. This time she invited me to her house, her parents are away. Then after a marathon dirty sex session, we had a talk and she asked me to be her boyfriend. “She really likes me”, her words.

So I’ve gotten it the right way around, she asked me, she’s trying to nail down the bad boy player. I took a minute then agreed with her, but told her I was demanding and not very good at relationships.

Then it was a weekend of sex, site-seeing, more sex and her cooking for me. I did all the things you’re supposed to do, ate all her food, left the seat up on the toilet, basically treated her place like my own home. Good times, very good times and I really like her, but there is already trouble in Paradise.

Some red flags are flying and I’m starting to wonder if being her boyfriend was the right decision.

She keeps mentioning her ex-bfs.

I had an interest in learning her sexual history when she was just a plate, but now that we’re an item and I’ve developed some feelings for her I don’t want to know any more details. Yeah, I’m trying to keep my emotions buried, buried deep.

At one point when she was going to tell me a “game” she played with her ex, I pretended to be bored and walked off. I’m trying to save her from ruining our relationship before it gets off the starting block, but she already seems hell-bent on pushing it to the edge.

Footballer, did she or didn’t she bang him?

When I first met her she told me some story about having a celebrity footballer after her. She told me he had a wife and kid, that he’s handsome and charming. She then went on to tell me she had a date with him but eventually rejected him because of his marital situation. I took this to mean that she hadn’t actually slept with the guy, but now I think she did sleep with him and she purposely misrepresented that, because I hadn’t asked her directly “did she sleep with him?”. I  then asked her outright, and she said she wouldn’t tell me. That’s a yes she slept with him, because if she didn’t she would have said she didn’t.

This is a huge red flag, she’s happy to misrepresent the truth, so now I need to ask her directly to get a straight answer?.. hmm. I know I shouldn’t care, in the end I just told her, “look it’s in your past, I have my own past too”, it’s before I met you. Anyway, now I’m the one banging her, so who cares?

As we’re walking around her town though, she mentions his club twice -after seeing something relating to the football club he plays for. The first time she mentioned it, I ignored. Then the second time, I told her “I’m not interested in football, take me to a German beerhouse with the girls in lederhosen, that’s interesting”. She’s constantly trying to hold the frame in a seemingly innocuous way, it’s a jealousy ploy that’s amped up by him having high value, she’s trying to play off my own insecurities about him. Fuck that, I’m the King.

New year in Budapest

The issues continue, so before I met her, she booked to go to Budapest for NYE with one of her girlfriends. Her girlfriend is a bit weird, I’ve met her. Then I ask her, why Budapest? Well, turns out, the reason she was going back was she was going to meet an ex fuck-buddy. He sounds pretty alpha, she told me that she now wouldn’t see him, because she is committed to me. She won’t meet him because “it wouldn’t just stop with coffee”.

How do I take that? that’s actually a pretty low move, and another attempt to encourage some jealousy and mate-guarding from me. I told her she should go and have a great time, I mentioned I might go to Paris. She asked why, I told her I like Paris for New Year and I have a friend or two there. No details, but enough to show her I have my own options.

Not sending me sexy pics

She refuses to send me sexy pics of her. “Send me a pic of you, you get points for non-disney”. She told me to send a pic first, I told her I don’t negotiate. In the end she didn’t send anything. Not really a big deal in itself, but shows she’s really fighting being drawn into my frame, we don’t really text anything sexual, it’s actually kind of boring. The sex gets left for when we are together.


Apart from the above, she is a high quality girl, she’s fun to be with, the sex is amazing and she’s fucking hot. I expect tests of my frame from her, especially early on in a relationship, my eyes are open to that. My issue is that the strength of the tests and the toll they take on my emotional well-being aren’t necessarily worth the relationship itself. If I didn’t see potential for a family and a real future with her I would never have agreed to a LTR, she is a lot of hard work.

As for the individual issues, footballer and ex’s I’ll ignore. Budapest I’ll trust her not to meet him, if she wants to cheat she could do it anyway, she doesn’t need to go to Budapest to do that. She doesn’t drink either, so it really would be an organised effort to bang him, and if that’s the case she’d tell me and the relationship would be over anyway.

I’ll use it as a way to show her that I’m confident in letting her do what she wants. If she mentions she might see him and has changed her mind. Then I’ll draw a line and either soft next her or tell her if she sees him and I find out then we’re over, and it wouldn’t matter when I found out, it’s a year later or when she gets back, it would be over.  YaReally has a good line “Do what you want, you’re single now”. Then walk away.

The sexy pics, I’ll roll off and keep trying after more comfort, I also try and get her sexting then build it into her sending a pic. I think she needs more of a buildup to it.

So what does this mean for daygame and me? I’m not doing any for now. This might change based on her behavior, I have no qualms in generating new leads if I think she’s not worth the LTR.

I’ll continue to blog though, because I think she’s gonna keep throwing curve balls and they will for sure make an interesting read.

With all these red flags it might be short-lived break from daygame, but really I hope it isn’t.


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Comments 19

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I see frame as a binary situation: either she is in your frame or you are in hers. Managing long-terms relationships requires a different skill set and attitude from pickup. One source I find myself going back to is Blackdragon. He is adamantly anti-monogamy, but backs it up with solid data and arguments.
    I won’t comment on your current situation, except that the number of red flags is higher than I would be comfortable with.

  2. mate you have the end of the relationship in mind already lol.. Drop analysing everything be present and enjoy it. Also ignore her shit tests, the really hot girls always do this, don’t even acknowledge them because an acknowledgement is a reaction.

    Consider indirect day game instead of dropping it altogether. Eg: standing in a coffee line and chatting with the the bird next to you without a number close. Remember girls like to think a man could cheat if he wanted too. This will also keep you sharp.

    Good luck

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  3. Joel, good point about the coffee queue. Earlier in the year, one of my girls told me recently “You’re really sociable, you talk to everyone, but I don’t want you to find another girl”.

    Vaughn, the girl is “pushing your buttons” and you’re rising to it. Seems you’re playing it well, ignoring. Good to nip-in-the-bud now, like we’ve spoken, set the ground rules – she shouldn’t ever mention ex to you in reality. Only the player girls do this kind of shit.


  4. This woman doesn’t respect you. She is playing you & using you like a chump, are you not supposed to be the player? 🙂 she has got you to boyfriend her up while she bangs other guys and rubs your face in it!

    The fact that you agreed to be her boyfriend and let her treat you like shit shows 1) you don’t have abundance with hot girls 2) You have weak inner game 3) your still beta as fuck.

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  5. Mate. This morning I just woke up from the night before having ended the *exact same situation* with my LTR. 2 years of my life I would t get back. While she was an amazing girl, those thoughts in your head never disappear. You need to trust each other in a relationship and be on the same team to work towards a common goal (making actual babies and raising them). If you’re playing these childish games you’re concentrating on the wrong thing. It’s destroyed my inner security despite me staying relatively detached and objective about things. Either lay down the law and tell her what you will and won’t tolerate early. Or cut it. And if it doesn’t change (within perhaps 3 months or so) then it probably never will. Women’s behaviour changes crossing that relationship rubicon. Be wary.
    Ps also agree with black dragon blog.

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      We had this discussion last night when I met some other daygamers. The two schools of thought were either being non-reactive or calling her out on her BS, since she’s disrespecting me. Especially about her going to Budapest. I’m starting to lean towards calling her out.

      She’s currently radio silencing me since her I sent her a one word “yawn” message, at her lack of sending me a sexy pic.

      Never love anyone more than you love yourself, don’t give them the power to control you.

      1. I’m with The Surgeon.

        I think ignoring is appropriate for some random chick in the street.

        But this is your relationship. You are the King. The King does not tolerate talk of ex-boyfriends. And the King always has options elsewhere. You are choosing faithfulness to her over the many women you could be laying. She should respect your wishes.

        Sometimes you have to be firm. It reminds me of when I’ve had friends who crossed the line with me. It’s worth stating “When you did X I felt Y. I would like you to stop doing X.” – is a good way to be assertive without being aggressive.

        I’d personally say something like “Every time you mention your ex I lose my hard-on so I would like you to stop bringing him up.”

        She might find a way to justify, explain, rationalise… you have to ignore that and reaffirm your needs until she says “OK.” Repetition is a good way to be assertive – ie. you repeat your request until they agree to comply. Interestingly, I notice police do this when they’re trying to get someone to comply.

        Not stating your needs in a relationship will lead to resentment and this will bubble into something nastier later on. My two cents as a serial-relationshipper.

        1. (Appropos: With my ex long-term FWB, she kept complaining about her ex. I joked I felt as if I was married to him too… and that I would like her to stop talking about him.

          She then tried to rationalise and say “but you tell me about other girls!” – touché, but two wrongs don’t make a right, dear. I just repeated my request until she agreed.)

  6. Any attempt to actively lay down the law and educate attractive girls will result in drama, heartache and eventual failure. The only method is proper soft nexting, i.e. withdrawing completely from the relationship.

    Serial monogamy is girls’ preferred form of relationship. Agreeing to it results in immediate frame loss.

    1. “Frame #101: What you concede to at the start of a relationship sets the tone for what you’ll put up with for the rest of it.” – Tom Torero

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        “Any attempt to actively lay down the law and educate attractive girls will result in drama, heartache and eventual failure. The only method is proper soft nexting, i.e. withdrawing completely from the relationship.”

        You are willing to walk away, it’s demonstration that you need her less than she needs you. Most guys can’t do this, they’ll call her out “why aren’t you responding.. are you okay?” yawn. Gina tingles go cold.

        I’ve withdrawn completely for the last 4 days and didn’t text or talk to her. The more I wanted to, the more I thought fuck it no, and just did other stuff. She finally cracked and sent a message today.

        Fear of loss is an incredible motivator, gina tingles go hot.

        1. Indeed. I said yesterday to leave it and let her come to you. Glad it worked.

          The ex-boyfriend thing is somewhat troubling though if you’re after a relationship.

          She’s not “over him” yet by the sounds of it, so she’s always going to be comparing you and him, he’s always going to be running around in her mind and as a result, she’s not going to be fully present with you.

          You might be the guy that she’s trying to rebound with to get over her own feelings of inadequacy and despair as a result of her failed relationship with the ex alpha.

          As you rightfully said, being willing to walk is key too.

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            Well her most recent ex was a Beta, they’d been in a relationship for a couple of years. She dumped him and he started crying, he also tried to get her back. He’s not a threat.

            The guy in Budapest is the Alpha fuck buddy she had a few years ago.

  7. XV. Maintain your state control

    You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

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